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Pamo

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Dear all,

I have not found a suitable book, so I ''came'' here for advises. Of all with experiences and knowledge I would really appreciate some tips on a group dinamics, but of very young children. Why I ask this from this forum? I am a Buddhist, I suppose you too, so we have the same direction...

Thanking you already

Pamo

:?:

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Hello again,

considering and following the advise of a friend, I am writing again, and will try to be more specific. I didn't mean to scare off by addressing the letter to ''all with experiences and knowledge'' but felt like I really need a concrete advise. Apart from not even making it possible, I have realized that is not possible anyhow.

Even though I have found myself many times in trying to show the adolescents not to take certain decisions for they might lead to somewhere where I had been and didn't like, at one point I got discoureged in seeing any sence in education. What is The task of a paedagogue, I asked and wondered? Are they still needed? Times have changed and we grown ups have more to learn from kids than kids from us. But this became a cliche already...in fact we all know how easy (and as it seems to be like the only way when we are little) we get cought up in models of actions of life that ''others'' live. Apart from that, if the consciousness is being created and dissolved from moment to another and from one life to another, and if Karma is the main ''destiny force'', why? But then I realized that that is why. And because we are born in ignorance, to the world of conventional reality, so we want it or not, here we are.. For consciousnesses that reached purer places of existence would be idealy to be growing in soft and supportive environment so they can as soon as possible be giving their happiness, model or even knowledge further, and for others to start creating mostly good Karma to become very happy and creative people so they can give further... But if this is the goal, where are the steps? The responsibility brings chest pain... Once I read His Holiness the Dalai Lama says the two things are most important in educating children. To give them the sense of resposibility and make it possible for them to develope compassion. So it says Lama Shenphen Rinpoche. And how to explain to a three year old that his/her actions cause something. Of course they see it, but not all are aware of it. Or can not care. Which is quite normal for this age, although many have a huge sense of compassion. Some proffessionals say that if a child bites another child or pinches him/her, what they often do, it is best to bite or pinch them back! ?? Some proffessionals say, it is good to show anger to a child who hurts another or destroys things, that they must learn emotions... but for me, anger always was the cause for fear.... on the other hand, with some children if you wish to stop such destructive action in a compassionate way, firmly but kindly, they don't take it seriously. ?

This is my beginning. I will be happy if you would wish to talk about it, share your opinions, viewpoints...

All the very best,

Pamo

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Tashi Delek Pamo,

For what I know on children (I had 3 and was close to pupils ), you can explain to a child with simple words and ask him - when he has done some harm to another child - if he really thinks that it something good? Or he says no and it is o.k., or he does not want to admit it was not fair, and you can ask him "would you be happy if somebody

hurt you" for example. Loving-kindness is inside us, just open the window!...

you can show a severe face; if you don't feel anger yourself, there is no harm.

for young children, there are some interesting books from a french psy Françoise DOLTO.

with much love and prayer

ani Chönyi

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Yes, I believe that the two most important things to teach a child (but adult as well ;) ) are responsibility and Compassion.

 

From the time of being a baby, a being knows very well what "consequence" is; because a baby has different way to cry, to get different things from his parents. So, it is important to explain, to take the time to explain well everything to a child, with his words, with patience and Compassion.

 

A child comes to this world with fundamental Ignorance and karmas from past lives. According to those past imprints, he will interpret what he perceives. We cannot expect a child to know already the possible limits of his actions and behavior.

Therefore, this is something children need to learn: till where they can do this or that, what is commonly accepted by the society they live in.

 

Unfortunately, so many pedagogues are motivated more by their own well-being then by the one of the children. Consequently, their reactions are not stable, and even often “irresponsible”, lacking consistency.

And many pedagogues, even motivated by a sincere wish to help children, do not have a mind clear, wise, and stable enough to perceive how to act and react in front of a child’s attitude or questions.

 

I personally do not believe much in pedagogical books. They are mostly written by people limited in their understanding and wisdom. It is a compendium of advises coming from their own experience, which is filtered by their disturbed perception, and often an attempt to be recognized from a career point of view.

 

Buddhism has everything a pedagogue would benefit from. You can find the true methods and tools to deal with children from the mouth of advanced practitioners, whose wisdom and Compassion are only equal to their devotion in helping others.

 

One has to develop a certain level of mental quietness to be aware of the various implication of a situation and possible consequences of a reaction to it.

Meditation and practice of Bodhicitta will strengthen the right motivation, broaden the listening capacity, and help to work on bad mood, anger, etc…

 

As mention by Ani Chönyi, we should differentiate: unhappy face and anger.

Indeed, after you have taken the time to explain in length once or twice, you might need to show clearly where the limit is. This is often done with a face or an attitude which shows clearly your disagreement, without any anger inside (otherwise, your mind is not clear anymore).

Clearly, this face can be accompanied with a “physical move”. We are not talking here about violence, or beating, at all! But a soft slap on the bottom or on the hand might strengthen your signal “stop now”, with children who aren’t prone to listen what we say, and even who do not care (anymore?) about raising the voice and wrinkling the forehead.

 

I mention “anymore”, because so many children have already built up a “carapace” to do not be hurt by the anger, aggressivity, or violence of their own parents… or by teachers or pedagogues!

 

So much could be said… May be Dharmaling-Slovenia should organize a seminar about “children education from Buddhism”?? ;)

 

All the best, Gelong T. Shenphen

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Dear ani Chonyi and Lama Shenphen Rinpoche,

thank you. And I am looking forward to the seminar, hoping for one. It is indeed difficult to describe the problem where there are numerous individual subjects, each different from another.

For example, regarding the anger: sometimes, if the wrinkels on the forehead are not supported by the heavy energy of anger, it is truely difficult to persuade a child you mean it seriously. Words and soft actions are like a touch of a fether for them, and not being used to it, only a game. But if you act even firmer, how is it for the rest of the group? On the other hand, how is it for such a child, if he/she daily experiences two completely different qualities of environement. If he/she stayed longer in a soft one, he would eventually accustom to it, but if he/she doesn't, how confusing can that be?

All the very best,

Pamo

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Dear Pamo,

 

I would just like to add a few comments ...

 

For example, regarding the anger: sometimes, if the wrinkels on the forehead are not supported by the heavy energy of anger, it is truely difficult to persuade a child you mean it seriously.

If we turn things around: if there is the energy of meaning it seriously, which means that you are sure of what you want to achieve, then whatever is on your face - wrinkles or smile - will tell the child that you mean it seriously. If, on the other hand, you arrange wrinkles on your forehead to appear angry, but are not secure inside, the child will spot this quickly. :wink:

 

On the other hand, how is it for such a child, if he/she daily experiences two completely different qualities of environement. If he/she stayed longer in a soft one, he would eventually accustom to it, but if he/she doesn't, how confusing can that be?

As I have seen, children adapt very well to the rules of different environments. What they never try at home because it is strictly forbidden, they will freely do at their grandmother's place if she allows it - and not make the mistake of trying it at home then. You can see this with very small children already.

So I would say that if they come from a not so good family environment, we shouldn't be concerned whether it is confusing to them to see someone act differently. The least one can do is show them an alternative - that things can be different too. So they don't grow up with the idea that what they see at home is the only way ...

 

Best wishes. :)

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Dear Wangmo,

you are right. I have seen that what apperas unauthentic is just that there is a feeling of irritation or even anger underneath I don't want to feel or show, so acting out before clearing out with it, seems like it can feel unreal. But this indeed takes skills! or wisdom?(years of practice and meditation?) when you have to be quick.. :? . Also, thinking of a child, who is growing in an agressive environmnt and has daily the opportunity to be comming into a loving one, to be able to experience the alternative, makes me feel warm, happy and full of hope. You think it is different for a child, that, if once a protection from anger is built from the inside, it is not easy to become trustfull again...and then even in his own agressive environment, now with a softened heart? But, these would be just guessings, I think, it may all depend on an individual...

Best wishes to you too,

Pamol

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