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mavrica

an "exhausting" relationship - how to solve it?

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Tashi Delek,

 

could somebody please tell me what is the best practice to do when you find yourself in an "exhausting" relationship from which you cannot simply leave?

 

Perhaps this question is not to be discussed in this forum (??), but since it probably happened to most of people to find themselves in a similar situation, I would be very happy if you could tell me which practice is best to do to overcome the ego problem and see the relations as they truly are - the field of learning valuable lessons for life. I tried to meditate and I tried Tonglen but I somehow cannot get to the core of the problem.

 

So, what would be a "good buddhist way" :? of solving such a situation?

 

thank you for the help.

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Guest Ani.Chödrön

Tashi Delek dear Mavrica,

 

I don’t understand reality well enough to give you any real advice, but I’ll try to help with my limited experiences.

 

Indeed the conflictive relationships can be both, destructive or constructive for our spiritual path. It depends mostly on us.

 

It is very important that our mind generates as little anger as possible, because, as it is often said, even a second of anger destroys an enormous amount of virtuous karma. Sometimes it is better to avoid situations where anger (or other negative emotions) might arise, in you or in other being. If not possible, it is good to diminish anger by analyzing the situations (how anger arose in my mind, do things really exist as I perceived them when I got angry…), until one day it will be eliminated completely. The person who challenges your mind is in fact your trainer in patience. :wink:

 

We cannot change others’ minds and attitudes – it has to be their own decision. But we can work on our own mind. And the positive effect of it often echoes on the other side of the river, too. :D

 

You can try some of these practices and see what suits you most:

 

- contemplating that the situation is not existing on its own side, that is a result of karma, that it is impermanent…,

- you can see it as a theatre play or as a dream, to keep a space between the situation and your reaction to it,

- you can try just the first part of the tonglen – equanimity of all sentient beings – or take the advantage of your own suffering, having in mind all the beings who suffer in a similar way, and do the tonglen, wishing that your suffering would take away their suffering and bring them peace, harmony and happiness,

- you can work on Bodhicitta by other mind training practices and contemplating the texts (you can download the 37 practices of Bodhisattva in Slovene language on this site),

- you can simply visualize your mother, the kindest as you remember her, as sitting beside you during the meditation and doing the meditation with you, receiving the same blessing as you receive,

- you can recite the mantras (also before, after or during the meeting): you might choose Chenrezig mantra to evoke compassion, Tara to remove the obstacles, Manjushri to see the situation better…,

- you can dedicate the merits to pacify your mother’s suffering and that she and all other beings achieve Enlightenment …

 

With all the best wishes,

chodron

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Tashi Delek,

what I did (and do) is to try to come to terms with my destructive emotions (;)) which arise when entangled in a communication of such relationship. At first, when they are intensive I just sit and try to accept and observe whatever is there within me, with the breathing, which is bringing this emotions closer, and the more that I am with the breathing the lesser the intensity is. In the meantime other emotions than anger (and frustration), which is usually first in a conflict (inner or outer) arise; this brings me away from that person and more with focus of my own mind's (other) messages. I try to become curious for what there is, maybe I ask myself questions to be led deeper, and during this time I kind of make space between this person and myslef; his/her behaviour becomes indeed more like a movie to me, because I experience him/her usually different than what he/she's just acted out. You know, the person is not this behaviour...we all wish to be happy. But, I need time for myself, and I need space of my own, for at least few minutes a day. (in where I create a world of my own....which eventually becomes bigger and more clearly seen, and I become of a stronger courage to manifest it more and more..) ...

.... I wish you all the very best.

pamo

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Tashi Delek,

 

and thank you very much for your answers. I find them very helpful, they are something I've been searching for. The tools for making a decision and coming to a solution (which is now my part of the task :) ) Thank you for taking your time and responding. :)

 

best regards

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