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I am going crazy

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Recently I went for a 2 days retreat .My mind is full of negative thoughts .Negative thoughts about Vajra master . Mostly thinking Vajra master having sex and most of time .Thinking my retreat master full of greed . lust , jealousy etc .All this flow in my mind effortlessly .I know all this come from my mind

I think I am going to be crazy if this go on .What happen to me ? Any solution

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Tashi delek :hello:

 

Recently I went for a 2 days retreat .My mind is full of negative thoughts .Negative thoughts about Vajra  master . Mostly thinking  Vajra   master having sex and most of time .Thinking my retreat master full of  greed . lust , jealousy etc .All this flow in my mind  effortlessly .I know all this come from my mind  

I think I am going to be crazy if this go on  .What happen to me ? Any solution

 

Actually this is something with what you should turn to a teacher, at best to your root teacher.

Anyway, I try my best to help you, maybe it helps, but you should go at all costs to your teacher with this. I am not clearsighted, I am not a practitioner with full of own experiences, so....

 

1. For the case you did a shine retreat.

 

It can be that your subconscious garbadge came to surface, these thoughts were always there, but you never recognized them before. The truth come out: You have to work more on your devotion and trust towards the Lama.

 

If your trust and devotion was not build up by checking the Lama, analyzing the qualities of the Lama first, if you don`t know much about the topic pure view, relationship to the Lama, then it may happen that your devotion and trust towards the Lama is unstable, artificial: it is not the real devotion and trust,

The real devotion and trust is that kind of trust whatever your Lama does you can see it as pure, your trust comes from having seen for yourself his qualities, it is a trust based on reason.

It is the trust: "Yes I really believe you that you can lead me to enlightenment so even when you do strange things, ask from me strange things I will do it, even if I do not understand it, and even if you do strange things with others, I will trust in that that you are doing it for their benefit, you know what you are doing. I decided to follow you 100% "

 

 

What also is important, when during a retreat such thoughts are coming up, don`t get involved in thoughts. We are meditating in order to overcome our kleshas, so first step is not to get involved with the content of mind, just let is pass:

"Bad or good thoughts are just like black and white feather ( Feder )flooting in the sky, they cannot damage the sky, and feather is just feather.Black feather is just feather, and white feather is just feather."

Don`t take your thoughts and emotions too serious. If you have good or bad thoughts it doesn`t matters actually when you do shine.

They are just thoughts , doesn`t matter if they are thoughts of Bodhicitta or bad thoughts about your Lama.

Your task is going beyond thoughts and not to get involved with thoughts !.

 

Of course after the session you can remember "Oh I had many bad thoughts towards my Lama". As I described you can take it as a sign that your devotion is not the devotion it should be, and that`s it. And you can do then some Vajrasattva, confessing it while having in mind, "I will work on my devotion, I will work on pure view."

 

 

2. For the case that your state of mind stays negative for a longer time since the retreat:

 

I heared that during retreat obstacles can come to the surface because one did not went with the right motivation into retreat.

The only wish to do retreat should be to reach enlightenemnet for the benefit of beings, you are doing this retreat for others.If this is not there, you might ending up being more worse than before you`ve entered the retreat.

( This is one of the reasons why some people who have done 3 years retreat, having done all those practices , still did not get any result and end up with much more negative emotions, ...........maybe they are even proud that they have done now 3 years retreat and can call themselves Lamas, now they are superior beings.)

 

An other possibility could be that your body was in retreat but not your mind, your mind was for example surving in California or eating with your girlfriend.

Then you are not much improving, and if you are not used to lots of sitting, then you can have also negative sort of reactions, because you`ve overdone. You were upsetting your inner energies, your having enough of sitting, forcing yourself can then manifest as negative thoughts.

Maybe it can lead to bad thoughts.Mind has to be trained like muscles step by step. If you do too much excercise for days you cannot move.....

 

Don`t worry to much, you are not the only person who hava faced the problem: having negative thoughts towards the Lama. I also had to deal with this.

When you suffer because of it, then think about all of the rest who are maybe even worse than you, not even giving a dam on it how the realtionship is towards ones lama mentally, and helping them with some Tonglen from your side.

 

With all my best wishes

Csillag

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Tashi Delek.

 

Thinking my retreat master full of  greed . lust , jealousy etc .

 

You were the one, who came to that master, so now you should to respect him unconditionally, it is on you not to hanging on him, projecting your own negative thoughts on him and trying to incorporate him, giving him no space nor independence. Do not, forget, you are the one who came to the master, right? When we visit some other places or people, we should act in a humble and respectful manner, cause we are just visitors. We do not own the other people nor places, we visit them. Which means that we will leave them some day! So, be fair, cause you are on your own.

 

 

Best regards,

 

Simona

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